Posts Tagged ‘parents’

Parental Advisory: Talk to your kids about their music

Imagine this: you walk by your son’s room and hear his stereo blaring the following:

“Bowlish way in Lebanon, know 50 the bomb, I be at the edge of the bar, sippin’ a Don, I keep the bottle just in case, you never know when it’s on.”

This scenario, often with more explicit lyrics, is not that uncommon. According to a recent study in the Archives of Pediatric & Adolescent Medicine, adolescents aged 15 to 18 are exposed to 84 musical references to the use of alcohol or drugs per day, adding up to over 30,000 per year.

The study also found that pop music contained the least references to substance abuse of any popular music type, and rap music the most. In another study in Pediatrics, sexually degrading lyrics were found most often in rap and rap metal artists.

No doubt many parents at moments like these imagine themselves trashing the offending CD and forcing their teen to listen to the Beatles or Journey. But is that a good idea?

“Bottle up your own judgment,” says Marcia Beck, a Substance Abuse Social Worker at Toronto’s SickKids Hospital. She suggests sitting down with the child and actually listening to the music together. “Music has a strong influence on our kids but it’s also a tool to use as a window into our kids.”

Open a dialogue of honesty

Adolescents use music to help form their personal identity, often modeling their clothes, character, and behaviour after musical figures. In one study, listening to sexually degrading lyrics was also found to influence adolescent sexual behaviour. Music, in the form of televised videos, often promotes drug and alcohol use. In another study, 48 of 62 rap songs contained references to substance abuse.

Role models also frequently portray violence in music videos, with women being demeaned or injured by men. One study found that exposure to music videos was associated with rape acceptance in middle school males. Rap music videos have also been found to portray more violence than other music genres. So, what happens if your child listens mostly to rap, dresses the part, and ‘puts on the attitude’? Beck explains that there is no immediate need to panic.

“Open a dialogue of honesty that is age appropriate. Get to know who they are and why are making these choices.” Beck explains that it is important to know the dangers for each kid as an individual. “Your best shot at moving away from substance abuse is by knowing your kid. Listening to rap music may not be an issue for some kids, but for others it may be a way to validate the choices they make such as peer groups or violence.”

Be nonjudgmental

Some bad behavior choices may also mean that the child is dealing with issues such as depression. As a parent, getting your child to open up is a way to find out if this is indeed the case. “Kids know how you feel already and they won’t open up with their feelings if they believe they will get an earful. Be nonjudgmental, do not express any negative thoughts, and try to get the kid talking more,” says Beck. ”Say something like, ‘I hear you listening to a lot of 50 Cent. I like some of it, like the rhymes. But part of it I don’t get.’ Then ask him to explain why he likes it.”

At the same time, “be aware of your own feelings as you listen to your kid. Imagine bottling your own self-judgment and putting it outside of the door. Resist the urge to say ‘What are you talking about?’” Instead, Beck suggests, “say ‘thanks, this is really important for me to hear’.”

Help your child to make her own choices

If the lyrics are alarming, say things like “That sounded a lot like a sexual assault,” for example. Then ask the child to listen critically. Reinforce that your child is smart enough to understand the motivations behind the songs.

“It is important for a child to understand that there is a lot of money behind the music,” say Beck. “Understanding this allows children to make their own decisions and to understand that they are the consumers.” For example, ask your child if she thinks Hannah Montana or Miley Cyrus is really like that in real life. Explain a bit about how marketing works and the motivation behind the individuals and companies that promote these artists.

Then, after you have thanked your child for the discussion, you can find a way to deal with any judgmental thoughts or feelings that have arisen as a consequence of the talk. “Call your spouse, go for a walk, hit your pillow, or write in your journal,” suggests Beck.

Reinforce the element of family

If the conversation reveals a concern, Beck suggests explaining to your child that “as a family we won’t live with you not being okay.” Call your family doctor about a possible referral to an adolescent medical specialist or teen clinic to help with whatever specific problem your child is facing.

Talk to your kids about drugs or someone else will

Conversations regarding drugs should occur as soon as there is a reason to, such as when a child asks questions. “These conversations should start by age six,” says Beck. “Explain that there are two kinds of drugs. One kind is the type that parents and the doctor give that help the body work. The other type, doctors don’t give to children and they are not good for your body.”

By the time your child is eight years old, you should explain that some people use substances to take away feelings that they do not want to feel, such as anger, sadness, and frustration. Beck reminds parents that if you do not explain this to children, they will find it out at the school playground. “Tell your child that some people take street drugs because they make them feel good for a short period of time. But using it just once can be dangerous,” says Ms. Beck. Then explain to your child that it is important to talk to you if they are finding it hard to cope so that you can work on strategies together and get help if it is needed.

Be your child’s role model

Children model the behaviour of their parents. “Parents need to know the reasons behind their own use,” says Beck. A child seeing his or her parents having a glass of wine at dinner is one thing, but “understand that children are witnesses [to your behaviour],” she says. Watching a parent using a substance for the wrong reason can teach your child, inappropriately, that substances can be used to take away bad feelings. Similarly, parents may want to be careful not to listen to sexually degrading music when their children are around.

For those parents about to knock, we salute you

Children are influenced by the world around them, through the music they hear, their peers, and the media. Rock and roll has not only been the music of youth and rebellion, but also of freedom and idealism. No doubt your parents were concerned about the rock anthems of your youth. So who better to understand the value that music plays in a child’s life than you? With this in mind, the next time you are about to knock on your child’s door to discuss the disturbing music that is blasting, consider bringing along one of those anthems that inspired you as a kid to open the discussion.

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Excerptedn with permission from the AboutKidsHealth website. AboutKidsHealth provides trusted answers from The Hospital for Sick Children for families’ health questions.

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